Stuck in a Rut... and some links to consider

I don't think there are any regular readers of this blog, but if you are one, you might have noticed that there have been less of late. We've been pretty busy with a lot, including some "stay-cation" time that did not afford the amount of free time we had anticipated! But we've also spent a lot of time recently talking about my issues and our marriage and it has not always been pretty. We've had some  heated conversations and some strong disagreement in our dialog, and we both have gotten a bit frustrated with each other and the current state of things. Sigh...

The basic disagreement is over expectations, and specifically, how much I can "get over" this other woman; how quickly; and in what way I accomplish that. Probably neither one of us is right in our perspective, but we both realize that our differences are getting in the way of moving forward. Further, we can "peek over the next hill" so to speak, and see that if we can just get out of our current rut, that we would be able to move ahead and make some serious progress towards putting this whole thing behind us. But in the meantime we just seem stuck -- two steps forward; one step back; one step forward; two steps back; and so on. It's not that we are not learning anything or growing at all -- we are -- but it doesn't seem to result in any real progress forward -- neither in my struggles nor in our relationship.

Early this week, I met with our pastor to catch him up with where we are, and what seems to be keeping me (and us) from moving forward. He had some good advice and encouragement, and wants to meet with both of us soon. We did arrange to meet with him tomorrow afternoon, and are praying that God will give him the wisdom to help us both see the way forward, and for us to humbly and graciously speak and listen. We are thankful for all that God has done already, but hungry for further progress, thirsty for a deep cleansing, and tired of looking back and being pulled back into our past again and again. And although we are getting along alright for the past few days, we know that we disagree underneath it all, and are anxious to be on the same page and pointing in the same direction.

During this time, I've come across a few articles and sermons and just wanted to share them with a quick note about them:

     An article by John Bloom entitled, "You Don't Have to Obey" gives an interesting illustration of what it is like to have a new life in Christ by the Spirit, but still have indwelling sin from our flesh. That, and some interesting explanation of how sin works and how to overcome it.  I strongly recommend this short article!

     A much longer 6-sermon series by John Piper from back in 2001 on a passage in Romans 7 was also very helpful in understanding flesh versus Spirit, and related concepts. Here is the first sermon (you can read or listen) and you can just hack the link to go all the way through part 6 if you want. For me, part 6 is the best, but that is perhaps because it summarizes the first 5 and gets to the main point that interested me. If you have struggled to understand the struggle in Romans 7, I highly recommend this. And I suggest listening, because you get not only some extra stuff added by John Piper when he was preaching, but you get to hear his heart; his passion; and his love for the Word and the people.

     And finally, a short article on sanctification entitled, "You Can Change! (Or Can You?)" by Tim Chester, which I also found very interesting and insightful. Oh, and it was written just a few days before the wheels really started in motion in the unfolding of our issues last May, which I found to be a kind-of cool "God thing."

Well, that about sums it up for now. I need to re-tool my weekly goal list, and perhaps get back to blogging more regularly. I just can't make it a priority when there are really important things going on here.

On YOU I Wait All the Day

"To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, I trust in You; Let me not be ashamed; Let not my enemies triumph over me. Indeed, let no one who waits on You be ashamed; Let those be ashamed who deal treacherously without cause. Show me Your ways, O Lord; Teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, For You are the God of my salvation; On You I wait all the day." (Psalm 25:1-5)

The last week or so has been difficult for Cherie and I, as we continue to work through some of the fall-out from my issues. The primary problem is that I continue to be tempted by thoughts of the other woman. Although these thoughts are not with longing but more of general interest, they cause concern because it makes both of us wonder how "over" her I am; how complete the heart change is that God has given. I am almost always successful in turning from these thoughts, and have recently been telling myself, "NO, you do not have the right to think of her at all," (some advice from "Every Man's Battle") and finding more real deliverance. But I really want to be free of them altogether, to understand and root out the source of these thoughts, and I am not sure that I am on the right track. I don't want to exaggerate the problem, but neither do I want to minimize it. And as you can imagine, it is really hard for Cherie when she knows that I still have some inclination to think of the woman that I betrayed her for; that I pursued in my imagination; that I had a crush on. To say that it is my sinful flesh that is the cause, and not my true self which is now dominated by my changed heart, does not really change the picture from her perspective. It still feels like betrayal; it still makes her question where I am at; and how much to trust me.

These conversations have been difficult and ugly, to say the least. But I "get it" from her perspective a little more now. And it has inflamed a passion within me to tackle my thoughts with renewed vigor. I decided not to go to church on Sunday (the other woman attends there as well) to starve myself of "food" for my thoughts, and to focus on seeking God together with Cherie. There was some profit in our long conversations that day, but eventually derailed into never-never land, which started our week out kinda rough.

It is easy to be discouraged in such cases, but I don't really have that liberty right now. I need to seek God and His wisdom with all of my heart, and I am really trying to make that a priority this week. Things have warmed up a little between us in the short-term, but I need to focus on the long-term, and Cherie's patience with me has worn thin. I really need a break-through, and I know that God is in that business.

It occurred to me that God expects me to obey what He has already revealed, before He will show me the next steps. And He has shown me that I need to focus a lot of my attention on pursuing Him -- in personal Bible reading, prayer, and worship.

That brings me to the above verses, which I am memorizing this week. I am looking at my verse memorization from a different angle now. It is not just to fill up my mind with good things. It is to embrace God's very words. It is to cling to God and His truth. It is to hide His words in my heart. It is to strengthen my new heart in His good ways, by His good Spirit.

I chose these particualr verses because they highlight some important things for me at this point in my Christian journey.

The psalmist here is overflowing with expressions of dependence upon God. He lifts up his soul to the Lord; he trusts in God; he knows God has power over his enemies; he waits upon the Lord and knows that He can keep him from being ashamed; he needs to be shown the Lord's ways; he wants to be taught God's paths by Him; he longs for truth and sound teaching; he acknowledges his salvation comes only from God; and he waits upon God all the day. I am reminded that I am nothing, and that I cannot do any good thing apart from the Lord and His work in my life. I need Him to show me the way and give me the grace and strength to walk in that way.

Something else I noticed here. My victory over sin; my triumph over the flesh; my conquering in spite of Satan's attack -- these are all in the hands of God, who has already accomplished my deliverance in the cross of Christ. The psalmist says early on, "Let me not be ashamed", but as he considers it further, he knows God's answer, and he clings to it even as He voices it to God: "let no one (and I add, "not even me") who waits on You be ashamed." How can I be ashamed if I am waiting on God all the day; by seeking His truth and ways with all of my heart; recalling that He is the God of my salvation? This reminds me that salvation includes not only justification, but sanctification and glorification, and so I know my current deliverance is part of His continued work of sanctification in my life, part of His perfect salvation.

The reference to those who ought to be ashamed has always made me think of Saul or even some of David and Saul's warriors who were just horrible in their dealings. But last night when I read this, I saw myself in it. I have "dealt treacherously" with Cherie in betraying and deceiving her, and that "without cause." How ashamed I am, and how worthy of God's wrath instead of His blessing. And yet, God in His mercy and grace looks down upon the likes of me, and He delights to deliver us from our treacherous ways to His own ways of truth, righteousness, and glory. What an awful sinner I am. What an amazing God has saved me! He will be faithful in continuing that work in me, as I seek Him with the changed heart that He has given me.

Oh God, I need You; I trust You; I seek You; please teach me; oh show me the way; I cling to You; I wait upon Your deliverance while I seek Your grace to follow and obey You; please cause me to triumph for Your name's sake. In Christ's powerful name I ask it. Amen.

Persevering without Fear

We all know the story of the disciples (without Jesus) rowing hard in a storm; Jesus coming along walking on the water; their being afraid; Peter going out on the water too and faltering there; Jesus coming on board; the sea calming; and they were immediately at their destination. Our pastor spoke on this story as he is working his way through John's gospel. Chapter 6:16-21 was the passage, but he referred to the accounts from other gospels as well, to pull it all together.
Cherie and I both found this Bible story and its careful interpretation very applicable to us at this point in our journey. Here is a rough outline of what was said, and then I will explain how I saw it applying to us:

1. Jesus had sent the disciples on ahead (after feeding the 5,000), while He went to pray alone. So, they were obeying, which is a good thing.


2. Although a storm came up, and the wind and the waves were against them, they were persevering nonetheless. They made it 3 or 4 miles, and John McArthur has said that they were out there perhaps 9.5 or more hours. No doubt they felt like everything was against them. This is the way God often works in our lives - to show us our weakness and inability to do what He has asked of us, so we will turn to and lean on Him to be our sufficiency.


3. When they first saw Jesus, they were struck with great fear. Perhaps they thought that a ghost on the sea was just one more circumstance against them, as we tend to when we are having a bad day/month/year. But when they knew it was Jesus, their fear turned to faith, they believed Him, and gladly received Him into the boat. There is no record that they had prayed prior to this, and we are often slow to acknowledge our need of God too.


4. In another account, Peter wants to go out to see Jesus before He boards the ship. He had faith that whatever Jesus commanded to be done, would be done, including having Peter walk to Him on the water. That was great faith in the spoken Word of God! But after Peter started walking on the water (an "impossibility"), he was distracted from Christ to the wind and waves, and faltered and began to sink. Perhaps he thought that he was walking on water by himself, and became afraid of falling when he saw the extra challenges of the wind and waves. He forgot that he was already doing the "impossible" by walking on the water according to Jesus' command, and didn't consider that Jesus would overcome those "extra" challenges to continue to do the "impossible" in and through and for Peter.

Let me just say that I have never heard this passage explained this way, and found it very helpful. Pastor tied it in with the feeding of the 5,000 to show that Jesus was focusing on His disciples and their training in both of these events.

As for application to our lives, I see how Jesus stirred up my sinful heart last May, granted repentence, and gave me the command to turn from my sin and walk righteously. (What a gracious and merciful God I have!) By His further grace, He has enabled me to obey, although I don't claim to have done it well, quickly, or completely. By His further grace, He has enabled me to persevere for 9.5 months in this new journey, although the going has been rougher than I anticipated, and I have had to learn and acknowledge my insufficiency in many ways, and turn more fully to God to overcome my sin and corruption. I too, have had fear, mostly a fear of failure when facing temptation, and that has had negative and couter-productive effects on my battle against old thoughts and ways. Like Peter, I have easily lost sight of Christ and been overwhelmed as I considered the difficulty of the new path and trying to understand how it works. My guilt over my past sin and my present inability to be completely free from its corruption has also been a heavy weight upon me. In short, I have not been confident in God and His deliverance because I have been relying on myself too much, and that is rightfully a scary thing.

What is the solution? I believe it is to persevere in faith and obedience, acknowledging my insufficiency, and being cast entirely upon the all-sufficiency of Christ. Receiving Him into my boat without fear, but with gladness, is the way to be free from my endless toil, guilt, and fear, and to rest in His full and free deliverance. Keeping my focus on God and His Word, trusting Him completely, and not trusting in my own (supposed) abilities. Knowing that He will be with me in every storm of temptation, and He is faithful, and that I can trust Him to provide the way of escape and the strength to take that escape route!

Oh, and what is that destination that I am looking forward to? It is called oneness. True heart-intimacy with Cherie. Complete faithfulness to her. Walking consistently in sanctification and honor, for the glory of God!

Gotta start somewhere...

It is hard to know where to start when beginning to blog here. On one hand, we would like to write our whole story in order to give you enough context to understand current events, thoughts, and struggles. On the other hand, I (Christophe) am anxious to get started; to put in writing what is going through my head; to try and share my heart and work out the implications. Given that we start without a large following, there isn't so much room for confusion by starting in the middle and filling in the background as we go along, so here goes...

Having said that, here's a little background so that today's entry will make at least a little sense. A few years ago, I slowly fell into an emotional affair with an acquaintance from church, a friend of my wife's. This woman didn't/doesn't know about my feelings for her, but I finally confessed them to my wife last May, not long before our 14th wedding anniversary. My willingness to speak the truth, and subsequently to turn from my sin, was all of God's grace, and was part of a long and intricately braided ribbon of His goodness that we so often have taken for granted; misunderstood; or missed altogether. In the past nearly 9 months, we have had to rely on Christ's gospel-grace in ways that we never did before, and have learned a lot about our sinfulness and constant need of Him. As you can imagine, a short paragraph like this one does very little to convey the depth of the impact to our marriage that my sin has had -- mostly unseen before my confession; deeply felt but far from understood on that explosive day; and increasingly devastating in the difficult days since as we have worked through the implications and roots.

Back to the present. God has really changed my heart to give me a deep love for Cherie and a passion to be 100% faithful to her. I still battle against thoughts for the other woman, but not as one who is enslaved any longer, but as one who has tasted freedom and has experienced Christ's victory in ways I never thought possible. But it still bothers me that she comes into my thoughts at all; that my mind sometimes drifts in her direction -- sometimes without obvious provocation; that I have some fear of seeing her or hearing about her; that there is any leakage of precious resources towards her which have been reserved by God exclusively for my wife. Cherie has been through so much heartache at my hands, and has shown such God-given patience and strength through all of this, and it only makes me long for complete deliverance all the more. I ache to truly meet her needs and desires; to bring her strength instead of weakness; and to rain blessings instead of burdens upon her.

With Cherie's support and encouragement, I am endeavoring to fill up my mind with good things, to employ my mind in profitable ventures, to set goals and work towards them in a way that provides plenty of opportunity to scheme and process and polish up thoughts that are helpful. And all the while, I am seeking God and trusting Him to work in my heart and mind, to deliver me from these old sinful thought patterns. Here are the goals that I have set for myself, to accomplish every week, beginning today:

• Memorize 3 relevant Scripture verses that I can challenge and encourage myself with throughout the week, and in the days ahead.




• Listen to 3 hours of audio books, and share observations and reflections with Cherie.




• Write 3 blog posts, which might be here or on a couple of other blogs we have, one of which is just for Cherie and I to share with each other, the other is a personal blog for some family and friends.




• Write to encourage and update a Christian friend or missionary that we know.

That's a total of 10 things each week, due on Saturday. As you can see, there is plenty to do and think about here, especially with two little children at home and full-time job. Thankfully, my work includes a fair amount of driving each week, which allows time to listen to books and think creatively, but it also makes it all the more needful to focus my thoughts intentionally.

God isn't finished with us yet, and we know that He will complete the work He has begun. We are so thankful that He included us in His plan of salvation, and even included my failure as a means to working deeply to deliver from sin and transform our marriage for His glory and other good purposes. I hope and pray daily for this transforming work to continue and bear fruit.

If you're reading this, I hope you will pray for me and for us, and share your own thoughts or Scriptural principles that might be helpful. Thank You!