Having said that, here's a little background so that today's entry will make at least a little sense. A few years ago, I slowly fell into an emotional affair with an acquaintance from church, a friend of my wife's. This woman didn't/doesn't know about my feelings for her, but I finally confessed them to my wife last May, not long before our 14th wedding anniversary. My willingness to speak the truth, and subsequently to turn from my sin, was all of God's grace, and was part of a long and intricately braided ribbon of His goodness that we so often have taken for granted; misunderstood; or missed altogether. In the past nearly 9 months, we have had to rely on Christ's gospel-grace in ways that we never did before, and have learned a lot about our sinfulness and constant need of Him. As you can imagine, a short paragraph like this one does very little to convey the depth of the impact to our marriage that my sin has had -- mostly unseen before my confession; deeply felt but far from understood on that explosive day; and increasingly devastating in the difficult days since as we have worked through the implications and roots.
Back to the present. God has really changed my heart to give me a deep love for Cherie and a passion to be 100% faithful to her. I still battle against thoughts for the other woman, but not as one who is enslaved any longer, but as one who has tasted freedom and has experienced Christ's victory in ways I never thought possible. But it still bothers me that she comes into my thoughts at all; that my mind sometimes drifts in her direction -- sometimes without obvious provocation; that I have some fear of seeing her or hearing about her; that there is any leakage of precious resources towards her which have been reserved by God exclusively for my wife. Cherie has been through so much heartache at my hands, and has shown such God-given patience and strength through all of this, and it only makes me long for complete deliverance all the more. I ache to truly meet her needs and desires; to bring her strength instead of weakness; and to rain blessings instead of burdens upon her.
With Cherie's support and encouragement, I am endeavoring to fill up my mind with good things, to employ my mind in profitable ventures, to set goals and work towards them in a way that provides plenty of opportunity to scheme and process and polish up thoughts that are helpful. And all the while, I am seeking God and trusting Him to work in my heart and mind, to deliver me from these old sinful thought patterns. Here are the goals that I have set for myself, to accomplish every week, beginning today:
- Memorize 3 relevant Scripture verses that I can challenge and encourage myself with throughout the week, and in the days ahead.
- Listen to 3 hours of audio books, and share observations and reflections with Cherie.
- Write 3 blog posts, which might be here or on a couple of other blogs we have, one of which is just for Cherie and I to share with each other, the other is a personal blog for some family and friends.
- Write to encourage and update a Christian friend or missionary that we know.
That's a total of 10 things each week, due on Saturday. As you can see, there is plenty to do and think about here, especially with two little children at home and full-time job. Thankfully, my work includes a fair amount of driving each week, which allows time to listen to books and think creatively, but it also makes it all the more needful to focus my thoughts intentionally.
God isn't finished with us yet, and we know that He will complete the work He has begun. We are so thankful that He included us in His plan of salvation, and even included my failure as a means to working deeply to deliver from sin and transform our marriage for His glory and other good purposes. I hope and pray daily for this transforming work to continue and bear fruit.
If you're reading this, I hope you will pray for me and for us, and share your own thoughts or Scriptural principles that might be helpful. Thank You!
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