On YOU I Wait All the Day

"To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, I trust in You; Let me not be ashamed; Let not my enemies triumph over me. Indeed, let no one who waits on You be ashamed; Let those be ashamed who deal treacherously without cause. Show me Your ways, O Lord; Teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, For You are the God of my salvation; On You I wait all the day." (Psalm 25:1-5)

The last week or so has been difficult for Cherie and I, as we continue to work through some of the fall-out from my issues. The primary problem is that I continue to be tempted by thoughts of the other woman. Although these thoughts are not with longing but more of general interest, they cause concern because it makes both of us wonder how "over" her I am; how complete the heart change is that God has given. I am almost always successful in turning from these thoughts, and have recently been telling myself, "NO, you do not have the right to think of her at all," (some advice from "Every Man's Battle") and finding more real deliverance. But I really want to be free of them altogether, to understand and root out the source of these thoughts, and I am not sure that I am on the right track. I don't want to exaggerate the problem, but neither do I want to minimize it. And as you can imagine, it is really hard for Cherie when she knows that I still have some inclination to think of the woman that I betrayed her for; that I pursued in my imagination; that I had a crush on. To say that it is my sinful flesh that is the cause, and not my true self which is now dominated by my changed heart, does not really change the picture from her perspective. It still feels like betrayal; it still makes her question where I am at; and how much to trust me.

These conversations have been difficult and ugly, to say the least. But I "get it" from her perspective a little more now. And it has inflamed a passion within me to tackle my thoughts with renewed vigor. I decided not to go to church on Sunday (the other woman attends there as well) to starve myself of "food" for my thoughts, and to focus on seeking God together with Cherie. There was some profit in our long conversations that day, but eventually derailed into never-never land, which started our week out kinda rough.

It is easy to be discouraged in such cases, but I don't really have that liberty right now. I need to seek God and His wisdom with all of my heart, and I am really trying to make that a priority this week. Things have warmed up a little between us in the short-term, but I need to focus on the long-term, and Cherie's patience with me has worn thin. I really need a break-through, and I know that God is in that business.

It occurred to me that God expects me to obey what He has already revealed, before He will show me the next steps. And He has shown me that I need to focus a lot of my attention on pursuing Him -- in personal Bible reading, prayer, and worship.

That brings me to the above verses, which I am memorizing this week. I am looking at my verse memorization from a different angle now. It is not just to fill up my mind with good things. It is to embrace God's very words. It is to cling to God and His truth. It is to hide His words in my heart. It is to strengthen my new heart in His good ways, by His good Spirit.

I chose these particualr verses because they highlight some important things for me at this point in my Christian journey.

The psalmist here is overflowing with expressions of dependence upon God. He lifts up his soul to the Lord; he trusts in God; he knows God has power over his enemies; he waits upon the Lord and knows that He can keep him from being ashamed; he needs to be shown the Lord's ways; he wants to be taught God's paths by Him; he longs for truth and sound teaching; he acknowledges his salvation comes only from God; and he waits upon God all the day. I am reminded that I am nothing, and that I cannot do any good thing apart from the Lord and His work in my life. I need Him to show me the way and give me the grace and strength to walk in that way.

Something else I noticed here. My victory over sin; my triumph over the flesh; my conquering in spite of Satan's attack -- these are all in the hands of God, who has already accomplished my deliverance in the cross of Christ. The psalmist says early on, "Let me not be ashamed", but as he considers it further, he knows God's answer, and he clings to it even as He voices it to God: "let no one (and I add, "not even me") who waits on You be ashamed." How can I be ashamed if I am waiting on God all the day; by seeking His truth and ways with all of my heart; recalling that He is the God of my salvation? This reminds me that salvation includes not only justification, but sanctification and glorification, and so I know my current deliverance is part of His continued work of sanctification in my life, part of His perfect salvation.

The reference to those who ought to be ashamed has always made me think of Saul or even some of David and Saul's warriors who were just horrible in their dealings. But last night when I read this, I saw myself in it. I have "dealt treacherously" with Cherie in betraying and deceiving her, and that "without cause." How ashamed I am, and how worthy of God's wrath instead of His blessing. And yet, God in His mercy and grace looks down upon the likes of me, and He delights to deliver us from our treacherous ways to His own ways of truth, righteousness, and glory. What an awful sinner I am. What an amazing God has saved me! He will be faithful in continuing that work in me, as I seek Him with the changed heart that He has given me.

Oh God, I need You; I trust You; I seek You; please teach me; oh show me the way; I cling to You; I wait upon Your deliverance while I seek Your grace to follow and obey You; please cause me to triumph for Your name's sake. In Christ's powerful name I ask it. Amen.

Closeness x 2

I just finished listening to "Every Man's Battle" today, and it has been a real encouragement and very helpful to me practically. Perhaps I will write a book review sometime soon. Anyway, I wanted to share something simple but meaningful that was mentioned in the conclusion of the book.

It was brought out that two of the aims of becoming free from sexual temptation are to re-gain closeness with your wife, and closeness to God. Those two intimacies are exactly what I need, and what I had sacrificed for "the pleasures of sin" for in years gone by. Sin gets in the way of relationships, period, and the closer the relationship is supposed to be, the more damaging it is. That is especially true when the sin issues are deceit, lust, and betrayal. Trust me on this - don't go there.

The other thing that struck me is that I have heard (and found) that pursuing intimacy with God, and with Cherie, are key in overcoming the types of sin I was entrapped by, and am struggling to overcome now. Yes, this here is a circular effect. The more I pursue oneness with Cherie, and oneness with God, the easier it is to overcome temptation and lead my heart aright. And the more I oppose and overcome sin and my sinful flesh's influences, the freer I am to worship and walk with God, and to honor and enjoy my relationship with Cherie.

So which comes first, the chicken or the egg, so to speak? Well, I didn't start off 11 months ago being close to either God or Cherie, nor with victory over temptation. I think they both go together. I can only overcome temptation as I pursue God and His grace and the work of His Spirit. I can only enjoy oneness with God when I am not pursuing sin. It all works together, and is all because of the grace of God working in my life.

It is a good reminder to me that both the current solution and the ultimate goal are essentially one and the same. I must pursue oneness, not only as a reward for faithfulness, but as a source of being faithful. It reminds me of this verse which I admit that I am taking out of context:

"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." (Matthew 6:33)

Encouraging Words

As I continue to "reap what I have sown" and fight to overcome the sin and corruption that once enslaved me, I find helpful reminders and encouragement from God's Word. In talking with a friend last week, we were looking at 2 Corinthians 10:4-5 and the weapons we have that are "mighty in God" and remembered the "whole armor of God" in Ephesians 6:10-20, and especially the offensive weapon of "the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God." It reminded me of how important it is to cling to God's commands and promises as recorded in the Word. And so I am going to just share a few that have been meaningful as I have been looking for things to take to heart from what God has said.

Twice we read in Isaiah about God making the crooked places straight, like this from 42:10:

I will bring the blind by a way they did not know;

I will lead them in paths they have not known.

I will make darkness light before them,

And crooked places straight.

These things I will do for them,

And not forsake them.

My heart and mind are those crooked places, malformed by sin, taken into dark places and spiritual blindness.

Oh God, straighten me out, lead me to the light, make my path plain, do these things in me and for me, and do not forsake me! It is You alone to whom I can cling, knowing that your faithfulness is great, and your compassions are new every morning.

Psalm 147:3 is also an encouragement to me: "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." My heart is "broken," although I don't mean that in the same way as the common expression -- but more like my heart is not working right, it is out of tune, it has been compromised. God heals broken hearts - Hallelujah! And He can heal Cherie's broken heart and lovingly bind up her wounds too, that I have inflicted.

I Corinthians 6:9-10 talks about those who will not inherit the kingdom of God, including adulterers, idolaters, and the covetous, which I can relate to in varying degrees. But then verse 11 says, "And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God." No, I am not alone in having been in that dreadful list of sinners. And I am not alone in having been washed, sanctified (set apart), and justified by God! Wow, I need to be reminded of that. It speaks of it in the past tense, it is true, but I know that the sanctification is ongoing and requires my involvement, but of course that requires the work of the Spirit in me too.

Later in the same chapter, in verses 13 and 14, God says, "Now the body is not for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. And God both raised up the Lord and will also raise us up by His power." My body, soul, and spirit were not intended to pursue sexuality in a wrong way, but were designed for the purpose of glorifying the Lord. And with thoughts of the resurrection fresh in my mind, it is encouraging to be reminded that I will be raised up by that same power of His. It may speak of my body being raised up on resurrection day, but I know too that it is by Christ's resurrection power that I am able to overcome sin in my life now. Praise His name!

Finally, at the end of that chapter, I am told to "flee sexual immorality", and challenged in verses 19-20, "Do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s." Yes, I not only can flee sexual immorality with God's resurrection power, but I am expected to! I have been bought at a great price, and the reason I was purchased as to abound to God's glory, and that includes my sexuality for sure!

This also ties in with that book I've been listening to, "Every Man's Battle", and specifically the section on defending our minds. One key concept that I picked up on was that I am not my own; my mind is not free in Christ to think whatever I want; but I am accountable to God for all of my thoughts; and that it is contrary to His purpose for me to think of any woman other than Cherie in a wrong way. I do not have a "right" to be thinking of this other woman. So I must guard my mind and send those thoughts away as soon as they come near.

Dear God, be my "Comrade" in the battle against these thoughts that would destroy me and my marriage from within my head. Remind me that I am yours by right, for you have not only created me, but redeemed me at a great price. Set me apart for You, and set Cherie apart in my heart and mind as the apple of my eye that you have graciously given to me. For you have given her to me not just to bless me, but for me to cherish and protect; to guide and provide for; to nourish and cause to flourish. May our lives and our marriage abound to your glory!

How good it is to have God's Word!

"The Love Chapter"

Last week and this week, I've been working on memorizing I Corinthians 13:4-7, from the well-known "love chapter." In addition to finding those verses really hard to memorize (so many little phrases, and not organized into neatly ordered categories as I might like them to be!), I am finding these principles of love to be a little overwhelming. Let's have a look...

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

I am reminded of Romans 13:8-9, where we find (in part), "for he who loves another has fulfilled the law. For ... are all summed up in this saying, namely, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'” No, I am not suggesting anything like law-keeping here. I was struck by how important, how foundational, how pivotal, how pervasive LOVE is in practical righteousness. How vital it is in the Christian life. How love embodies God's ways with us, and should also embody our own ways with each other -- especially our spouse!

And with that in mind, how can I take this description of love and what it does and doesn't do here, as anything other than important? It would be so much easier to take these verses lightly; as romantic poetry; as something rich and literary, and yet superficial. But that is not God's intent -- could I rightly think that way about anything in His Word?

There are very few things about love, listed specifically here, that are not convicting to me now. Perhaps I never gave them individually or collectively much thought as being the very underpinning of "love." Shame on me. I definitely have not mastered any of them, and fall far short in most of them. As I allow God to work in me and in my marriage with Cherie, I can see how many of them apply to me, and how sadly I have failed in them. And I can see some of the impact from my failure.

Just to give you a teeny example: "is not provoked." Wow, that's a tough one. How easily I am provoked, and why? Because I am proud and stubborn, I suppose. If I am in the right, then I have a right to be annoyed, right? Wrong. If I am in the right, I am more likely to be proud of it, and very easily frustrated and provoked to anger, for example. That is not love.

Or look at it from the standpoint of temptation to lust, which I have struggled with. When Satan brings temptation, he is seeking to provoke my fleshly lusts. Those can be stirred up without too much trouble, and provoked with a bit more work, and captured with a bit more effort on his part -- apart from God's grace and His Spirit's transforming work in my life (for which I am very thankful!). That is not love. Love is not provoked. Instead, love rejoices in the truth and temptations are lies. Love does not seek its own but that of my wife -- her honor, for one.

So, as I memorize these verses, it is with a great sense of my own need to learn and grow in love. Love that is part of the fruit of the Spirit. Love that comes from God purely and is to flow out in my life in so many ways. Love that testifies that I am saved and transformed by the loving and gracious hand of God through Jesus Christ. Love that honors Him and does His work here. Love that seeks and upholds the truth. Love that is not self-centered by Christ-centered and other-centered.

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus!

The gospel according to Psalms

This afternoon, I started to memorize some new verses for this week (this is the 3rd week of working on my goals), and decided to go back through those verses that I'd worked on over the past few weeks to refresh my memory and call to mind the things God had shown me in the process. These verses are some that I actually started memorizing a week or two before, and I wanted to share some thoughts...

"Blessed is the man whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. Blessed is the man to whom the Lord does not impute iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit." (Psalm 32:1-2 NKJV)

To me, this is the gospel, right here in Psalms! Or at least, it points ahead to it. How can my awful sins be covered, my transgression be forgiven? What does it take for the Lord not to impute my iniquity to me? This all points to His mercy and grace through Christ and His finished work on the cross. There is no other way for man to be forgiven by God except on God's own terms, and the only provision He makes is through the gift of His Son Jesus. This past week, I was also struck by the similarity between the expression here "does not impute iniquity", and the one I memorized last week from 2 Corinthians 5:17, "not counting their trespasses against them."

Maybe I am seeing these connections more because I am often conscious of my own sins of lust and deceit, and the impact they have had on my marriage with Cherie. What amazing relief and peace comes, when considering my deep dark sin, to know that it is covered. How great it is to know that my every transgression has been forgiven; that God Himself does not count my iniquities against me any longer, having laid them all upon His own dear Son at Calvary. What a wonderful Savior. Thank You, God!

I mentioned "deceit" a minute ago, and perhaps that made you remember the same word in the verses quoted above. Yes, the man is truly blessed whose spirit does not have deceit in it. I want and need to have my spirit free from any deceit, and I am especially conscious of that because I have seen its ugly roots and fruits in my life and marriage. How am I to get that freedom from deceit? The exact same way that I get my sins forgiven -- it is through the grace and mercy of God in the work of Christ! God not only cleanses me from sin at salvation, in order to make me fit for His presence, but He gives me new life in Christ and deliverance from sin in everyday practical ways. Specifically here, He gives a love for the truth by His Holy Spirit; a conscience to detect deceit in my heart; and grants repentance to turn away from lies to His truth. And so I have the key to deliverance from deceit (and the blessedness that goes along with it) -- it is in the practical application of the gospel to my life; trusting God for His sanctifying work in me on a daily basis.

And of course deceit is only an example of the sin that God delivers us from. But it is more than that too, because deceit is at the heart of every sin. Satan lies to us about the reward and the consequence of sin. We believe those lies and deceive ourselves by rationalizing sin as something we deserve somehow. Then we tend to lie to others about what we have done or its seriousness, or else we spread the sin by joining Satan in wrongly depicting it again.

So deceit is serious indeed, but God has provided practical everyday freedom from it through His perfect salvation in Christ. I am so thankful for His working in my life in this area, and I am already experiencing the blessing that comes from deceit being removed from my spirit. I trust God to continue this work until the day that I am completely free from deceit - in heaven!

Things New and Old

The verses I've memorized this week are as follows:

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation." (2 Corinthains 5:17-19 ESV)

Our past is hard to forget, and it tends to steal our joy and strength from the present, and rob us of hope for what is to come. The last couple of weeks have been a little bumpy as Cherie and I have struggled to put the past behind us, because it is so easy to see the the present through the dark lense the of our past. And yet God has poured much grace into our lives these months, and so we have much to be thankful for. He has had to remind us of His work, to assure us of its reality, and see that we can trust Him to continue His work of grace in our lives.

These verses have been an encouragement to me in this regard. "The old has passed away. Behold, the new has come!" That's right, my old sin-saturated ways are gone, even though there is still a remnant of the corruption that they caused. And the new way of life has come -- I am enjoying being faithful to my wife, and have a passion for righteousness and a hatred of sin -- and these emotions are growing. God is so good! And the next part of this portion reminds me of that -- "All this is from God... through Christ!" What mercy and grace He has shown me. God's purpose is to reconcile the world to Himself, not counting our trespasses against us, and then entrusting us with a ministry of reconciliation. Wow! He is such a gracious God!

And I can see how He is working out reconciliation in Cherie and I individually with Himself, and with each other through this season of life. It is a ministry of His grace to us and through us, and it is all of Him. He has not only reconciled us, but in doing so, He has taken away the old and brought us new life in Christ. New desires, new thought patterns, new perspectives, new humility, new grace, new appreciation, new worship, new communication, new cares and concerns for others, and probably a whole lot more that I am forgetting!

Thank You, Lord, for your ministry of reconciliation in our lives!

And I must close with this verse that came to mind when pondering, "All this is from God" from the above verses... "For of Him and through Him and to Him are all things, to whom be glory forever. Amen." (Romans 11:36 NKJV)

Goal accomplished... with a lighter burden!

Remember I had set some goals for myself starting this week? Well, by God's grace, I was able to meet my goals for this first week as of yesterday morning -- a whole day ahead of schedule! :-)

One of my goals was to memorize 3 Bible verses, and Cherie had suggested these, which proved to be an excellent choice. Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." (I am typing them here from memory, with a little corrective action after the fact!)

Here are some ways that these verses proved meaningful for me this week:

1. Our pastor's message on Sunday was about Jesus being Lord of the sabbath, and I finally gained a clear understanding of why it is that the sabbath is no longer expected to be kept by God. It is because the sabbath was a day of rest that pictured the coming "rest" from sacrifices, ceremonies, and the keeping of law which had been required of God. This rest would only be possible in the giving of His Son Jesus to bear our sins and the wrath we deserved. This was particularly meaningful for me because I grew up with a lot of legality and am still learning what it means to be free from my own efforts at righteousness and to rest completely in God's saving mercy and grace. It also strikes a chord as I learn how to fight against my sin in a new way -- one which requires my participation/obedience, but is largely dependent on the Spirit of God for motivation and implementation, and dependent on God's working to transform my heart and mind as I trust and obey Him.
2. Cherie and I got to talking about guilt this week, and I realized that I have always carried a lot of guilt around, and still do. Guilt is a pattern of mine that developed as a result of un-combated sin, along with a pressure to keep myself to some level of perceived holiness. Now, even though God has turned my heart and is giving me a large degree of practical daily deliverance from sin, I still sometimes feel guilt -- for example, I feel bad that my corrupt flesh still desires to sin and tries to weasle its way into my thoughts. After our conversation, I also met with our pastor yesterday and we talked a bit about it. He pointed out that guilt has a purpose when there is truly sin, but that misplaced guilt or proper guilt that is not properly addressed both tend to hang over one's head and do 2 things: keep me feeling bad and thinking unnesccesarily about my sin instead of about God and good things; and prevent me from loving my wife (and others) the way I should. Guilt is self-focused and love is other-focused. Taking my sin to God, and availing myself of His forgiveness and delvierance, frees me to humbly seek the same mercy and grace for others, and desire to participate in the demonstration of God's mercy and grace to them. Especially to Cherie!
3. It occurred to me that I struggle with being humble without acting weak (this probably goes along with the guilt issue). For example, if I am feeling freshly humbled by the realization of some additional current impact from my past sin, I am apt to feel discouraged and act defeated. I need to learn how to be strong and courageous and ambitious to move forward, while doing so humbly and respectfully and with true godly sorrow over my sin. As I worked on memorizing these verses, I saw that Christ Himself is strong (He bears the much heavier side of the yoke, and carries my burdens) and yet He says that He is gentle and lowly in heart. His strength does not come across as arrogant, inconsiderate, condescending, or impatient -- as fleshly strength often does. No, His strength is shown in my weakness, and it is shown with humility, grace, and gentleness. I need to sit at His feet and learn of Him, and thus have a better perspective on my own life and others' (especially Cherie's). I need to humbly press forward with God's strength while acknowledging my past sin and remembering His gracious deliverance -- past, present, and future!

Scripture gives us hope in God. I guess it is time to find some more verses to memorize for next week!